One more time .....

Though months have passed the pain remains. I keep asking myself why, how,and thinking that somehow I should have done more. The talks and text prior to that day stand out and I wonder did I miss something. So many questions that will never be answered why didnt I come sooner why didnt I prevent this from happening. So many things I have had to face without you so many situations I look back on and say what would have been different if you were here to help me through. What I would give to spend one more time with you ...

Thinking. ..

Deep inside my mind are thoughts I rarely choose to share. One reason I don't share is because I wonder do you truly care. Why would you I'm sure you have your own issues and concerns. Secondly I wonder if the thoughts would scare you and put even more distance between us. Some of these thoughts are old and some are new. As much as I tend to lean to my own understanding I still find myself wondering what you may do if these thoughts belonged to you. So what's a man to do...

Self reflection

Its a priceles thing to be able to look in the mirror and see progression. To know that all is not in vain and a least a piece of the process is working while en route to a complte transformation. In my younger years all my behaviors were driven by attention and wanting to be validated. Now I could care less for your attention or admiration. The time wasted on a meaningless quest to fit it and be accepted like the rest was the polar opposite of what needed to be done in order to achieve my personal best. I guess it wasnt a complete waste though cause if nothing else I have a clear picture of the shenangins in which I care not to associated with any more.....

Perception

We have all heard it perception is reality but really how true is that statement? All my lifd I have perceived myself as a Prince of sorts. Taking and paying close attention to the wise council of elders in preparation for leadership of some sort. I know that my natural ability coupled with good education and consistent decision making will only help those dreams I desire become a reality. Reality as it stands today hasnt been very kind and life sometimes feels like punishment instead of the noble royal like position I perceived for myself. So is perception really reality ....

Still ain't forgave myself

Angry confused and frustrated to say the least. The crazy part is that it is all directed at myself.I Should have said more done more asked more listened more checked more paid more attention. I am sick knowing I didn't save you. I left you alone in your time of need. You were sending signs but I wrote it off as just a bad day. Regardless of what people Say I feel like it's my fault and I still ain't forgave myself and I'm Sorry...

Pessimist or Realist ?

Riddle me this; If your daily life tends to be a great big meal of dissatisfaction and disappointment with a side order of crazy a desert plate of hate and a tall glass of u needed stress to go with the rest what is there to be optimistic about? If in every arena you tend to lose regardless of what strategy you use why would optimism be something you choose? Is is it still considered pessimistic if everything you do has a negative ending And no matter how much effort you put in you still end up losing wouldn't be realistic to consider that this ain't your season and it's not your turn to be a winner? If negativity is a constant in tour life and you begin to think negative about every situation in your life is it still pessimistic or are you accepting reality based on the cards that have been dealt and nothing ever going right ...

?

Struggle and strive strive and struggle be miserable alone with my pride or swallow it ask for help that's what being humble is right ...

when

When the things and people that once served as a release coping skill or escape become mandatory needed to make it thru your day then what release is left for a rainy day? When will peace be the norm and chaos merely a occurrence. When will peace be a regular way of life when can I catch a break and relax one day

hmmm...

If I lower my expectations of you and our situation do I in turn lower or lessen the chance of you disappointing me? Am I settling for less under the false pretense of hoping for the best or am I a glutton for punishment and subscribing to an illusion like all the rest....

simplicity

The absence of money love and loyalty have made me enjoy the simplicity of solitude. How quickly the tables turn when you no longer do things the way the want you to and find your voice and refuse to accept the bs they constantly selling. Broke and sain beats rich and living a lie fucc u too I always been resilient if nothing else now left to my own vices I enjoy the simplicity of the simple life I know am leading. ..

I refuse

I refuse to accept things from you that have no validity. I refuse to stick around and shower you with love when you treat me as if your enemy I refuse to act as if you do no wrong I refuse to believe that without life cant go on I refuse to hurt myself in a attempt to please another I refuse to take it on the chin and ask please dont do it again I refuse to keep trying to open the a door that you obviously never wanted me in I refuse to apologize when I did no wrong ...

Isnt it amazing...

"Isn't it amazing how you can talk so much shit but we still lack communication". Thats a drake lyric that has been so true in my dealings with women some more than others. Knowing all the old cliche sayings about communication ruling the nation etc etc. It never ceases to amaze me how many people suck at communication. It crazy how joe blow can tell you something that have you mad at your spouse partner or whatever title people use these days. Outsiders get greater communication from you than person you need to communicate with the most. Every rumor is true cause if it wasnt why would they have brought it to you and regardless of what truth I say you already know it aint true yep thats how it went. How easy it is to discuss anything dealing with lies cheating and such but difficult it is to address the things that make you the way you are. Constantly villianizing a innocent person will never get you far.....

Scars

Whether visible or hidden. Whether physical or emotional. We all have a few. A writer once said "Scars are there to remind us where we been but they don't have to dictate where we are going". Don't let the past control you in the present. Seems to me it be real hard to make forward progress while looking behind you ...